Wish it were a dream …

There is a cliche : “If the loser keeps his smile then the winner will lose the thrill of his victory”
So, Keep on smiling ….

“Who is the loser in a triangular love”, davis asked me after reading a thriller.

I told him,”There is nothing more painful than this …, When a person you love.. , is lying on your shoulder …, and is crying for the person whom that person loves.. , ”

Davis was surprised as he never understood a single word of what i said.  Instead he closed his drawer after putting the check book back into it.
“I knew it was only a fiction for you davis, but in reality all are losers in a triangular love”

“Ohh ! ”


Readers might have similar experiences in their life.  And we might closely feel whats wrong with our thinking and we might keep confused.  We keep saying,” I wish i had a good friend whom i can share.”.  When we try to keep everything suppressed in our hearts, lot of good things go unnoticed in life. Sometimes we stand in a market place and not even bother to look at a beggar, who lies down handicapped with leprosy. He was yelling for help. Shouting and making noises with his steel bowl having a few coins. We were making more noises and shouting inside.
So many things to shout out that poor beggar left unnoticed by.  When i was standing in the Bangalore Majestic Bus Junction, a shop with a Blue T Shirt struck my attention. The Hotels there banged open my memory doors. The booking offices took me to a distant past.

I was standing in a corner of the commercial street. I could see  a lady sitting with a doll in her lap.  She was crying looking at the bright red colored ball that kept floating in air hung to the ceiling of the entrance of a shop.


The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.

Ralph Nichols

This passage is about a piece of advice that Diva gives to seena. Both seena and diva were meeting after a 4 months,  and lot has changed in seena’s life by then. They were watching the television and talking to each other.
A message from her friend Soi flashed  in her mobile, she opened it and started reading loud enough for diva to hear too. Diva went  in to  the kitchen trying to heat up a bit coffee for both. It was cold out there and a cup of hot coffee would be a soothing comfort.

The message read,
The most humbling statement we can say is : I am nothing  without GOD” And Our most powerful statement is  WITH GOD NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE …..

“How true”, exclaimed diva. She was stretching  to  reach the top of a cupboard where the powders were stored neatly in plastic containers.
“So true”
“Now i know it very clearly, there is a power behind our all actions. Surely its GOD”

Seena told how she wanted to get John out of her life and wanted to get close to Roger  so that finally she can marry him.
“I love him very much, He is settled and perfect for me,.  mmm …
….. ”

After a silence she continued,” Compared to john he is so nice”.

She only had 3 friends to talk about this. Beena , Diva and Dayji. Dayji returned from USA to meet his family in south india.
Its a long episode to talk about Dayji and seena, because dayji had a liking for seena, but it remained untold untill a few days back. Sad part is when seena felt good about dayji, that is now he was alreay married. We talk about it later ….
Diva was patiently hearing her for a couple of days,”I heard what you wanted to say,  now you please listen to what i have in my mind after hearing you, I want to tell you a lot.”
She settles down with a cup of coffee in her hand squating on the mat spread.
“Yeah …” ,answered  seena sipping the coffee.
“May be i am in a better position to see things and i know you very well thats why i know what can be good for you”
“I understand it too…”

The TV was playing some movie and it was a distraction.
“May i switch off the TV”
Once the TV is switched off, there is silence and they sit in rapt
attention.  Diva speaks after a moment.
“Oh dear! ..its just a suggestion ok . Dont be personal again”…..

“I have gone through whatever you are going through and now when i am completely out of if i can see it clearly.”
“See seena i tell you, i had all that which all other girls ever wanted but frankly speaking i never wanted all that, for me it was a pain …. ”
“mmm ”
“when  i was 12 years old  i had the first guy behind me and since then i had so many of them running behind me.. ”
“….  for me that was a pain i never fell for anybody…”
“But you talked about Moby! ”
“Yeah you are right, but somehow i had a little infactuation for Moby and he had the power to convince me to say yes …”

“But you had feelings for him, I know you were crazy for him.”

“Oh noo ! He was never my taste i would have never liked him but after all i am a girl i fell for him i was not mature enough  to understand what was good and what was bad for me …”

“did u never realise it then…. you were in the college ….”
“Nope then i never did ! but after a few months how badly i realised that i dont want him anymore,  i wanted to change everythng in him…”

“You were always together, he loved you, he did so much for you, …. ”
“No i never did ”

“i never loved him with my heart but just because i had those moral values i held on to him ,compromising with everything,  compromising with life , my heart always said no for him .. ”

“You know that we had a breakoff and  it was difficult to stay alone not because  i loved him but only because  i was used to that lifestyle , because  i wasnt strong enough to that accept i was lonely now, it was difficult to live a single life now..i was addicted …so we came together again..”
“hmm .. that means you never loved him, you were fooling around with him. Poor guy once he mailed saying that diva loves me like hell. He was always crazy for you, did you ever think what can come out of him when he realises that you are cheating upon him”

“i never loved him with my heart ,  just as i said  i wasnt strong enough to accept i was lonely then, it was difficult to live a single life  … i was addicted … ”


“this is what happend to you as well … your age is like that,  GOD has created us like that we desire a companion..its not your or my fault…you fell for john because it was all that rosy world that he created and  he convinced you to fall in love…somethng attracted you towards him…you were set in a lifestyle with him you were happy for the fact that you have someone  in your life and you hold a special  place in somebody’s life..and every woman on earth craves for that..but when reality struck you.. you realised this is not what you wanted….. ”

The day was getting darker and sun dipped down in the west, making it more colder.
The talks were getting colder as well.  Seena was motionless and obedient as if she were hearing a spiritual discourse.

“Everything is so different, …you should understand that everyone has different tastes and choices.” , diva continued without any break.
” you realised that john  is not whom you wanted.”
“Hmm … ,may be you are right !”, seena was speaking eating her words.  And with  every passing moment, diva was overpowering her.

“if not why would we have different patterns and designs for our shoes, bags dresses, clothes … why do we also select our friends… john was just not your liking n there is nothing like good or bad.”

“you didnt like him, it is as plain as that ….  I dint like Moby as well … ”
“I left moby because i never wanted him, i wanted to be true to myself…. here you have to decide ”
“But you never wanted to do it straight away, you wanted a convincing reason to reject john. And roger was the best excuse.”

“Am i right?”, asked diva.

“i could read you when you met john … you  never wanted to be with him.. and thats how you  noticed roger, It was  just to avoid john…”
“I swear  just for that.. and  when you compared him with john… you found him more of your type and therefore more attractive…if you would have met roger when you really loved john you will never notice roger …”

Diva was very emotional and absorbed in presenting her vision.
“Plainly saying sweetheart, you had no love at all for John, you just wanna get out of it. You were in a dilemma.”

“yeah, i was in a dilemma then, i wanted to opt him out but he was like shameless hanging on to me, even after my dejections…”

“then i started feeling guilty … dear i was very down and depressed …  I was pissed off with him… ”

“sure dear, i know it …”, as if diva is a GOD who knew seena in and out.

“you wanted to come out of it , come out of john and leaving him will make you more gulity so you found reasons and roger is one of those reasons.. your mind said you like roger you  compared him with john you always found faults in john … and you know you dont want john , roger seems the only better option so that you feel less guilty…you might not realise this now..but later you will, i am sure you do it …”
Diva cleared the coffee mugs and dusted the floor n between, bending and making movements with her hands to scrub off the floor. She was 26, well built and agile. She was meticulous about cleanliness, her belongings and herself should be cleanest.  Sometimes earlier seena had a liking for the beautiful shape of diva’s curves. But she also felt she was seductive.

But seena was too absorbed to help diva, instead she was dreaming about a fantasy with roger, as roger’s face brightlit her emotions and desires.
“Why is she talking bad about roger, he is so romantic…. i feel like hugging and passing a kiss to him!”

“Wish he was here, with his bike…. huh …. sit behind him and hold him tight… ”

Dreams and seena is dreaming. A sudden burst of noise wakes her back to room and diva. A glass fell down and broke, diva was clearing the debris. Now she had to talk about roger too. She didnt like roger at all.
“Lemme tell you regarding what happpened with roger,”, she started …
“Roger on the other hand is undergoing something else…john was his best friend .. and  i m sure he doesnt think of john  as somebody who is smart or cool..so when somebody worst than roger can have a grlfriend, then roger thought  why cant he have?that is called jealousy..”
“… roger is charming , i fell  for him dear ….. i cant believe he is jealous…”
Diva was talking about jealousy.
“You cant blame him but its human nature and when he was getting signals from your side as well he unknowingly desired you more …”

Diva explained roger’s sensual desire for seena.
“he must have felt an attraction for you… and that attraction grew with time and  he started to attract you in all the possible ways…he is not a college boy he should have been more matured by this age.. ”

A knock on the door sent shocks to the girls and for once both their hearts pounded harder. Seena was shocked. It was Remu, there roomy who had come after the day shift. Night 10 30 pm.

Advice in a nutshell ………………
It was late night and they had forgotten the dinner. Diva had to hurry and finish her much awaited advice. She was like the priest waiting to deliver the magical sermon to the awaiting crowd, who feel suffocated with lectures and canons, who wanted to escape the torturing lecture.

“You  are 26 now…you should be mature enough now.. john’s chapter is over please dont open another chapter …. ”

“….think practically…. roger will not give you a secure life… and a person who behaves all this at this age is not at all practical and mature… you think it for yourself…love needs to be more practical at your age.. infact at our age.You better concentrate on your career and find out a nice guy who is settled ..a good guy with a good family background…
you need to be emotionally more strong.. …you feel attraction for many people… i feel so strong atraction for James Bond but can i get him? We think he is out of my reach so will just live with attraction for him….. roger is like that only…… ”

And the HOMILY continued and …..      on and on

“you have an atraction for him… he may have few traits which your looking in your guy but he certainly is not suitable for you…  ”
It was getting into seena’s head and she was nodding her head like a goat.

“I said it all … now you need to think it for yourself  … seena..please think..
if you go ahead with this relation you will spoil your life…you dont contact john or roger anymore and after a few days you will come out and you yourself will realise it was not that difficult..cut out all contact with them(only if you dont want to continue this relation ) ……….. ”

“hmm .. sure … dear … ”

“life comes only once …please dont take anymore chances ..dont you also wanna settle down and be happy in life .. ? I hope you understand…”

She was so true …………….    LIFE COMES ONLY ONCE AND TRUE LOVE HAPPENS ONLY ONCE…. We have it or regret not having it … but we continue to live …..

It was early morning 02 00 am, the whole world was sleeping tight in the cool morning coziness…. they too bid good night to each other …

A message flashed again in her mobile, and seena opened it but didnt read it…

It said …….

As day turns to night …. pack your worries out of sight … No matter how hard the world may seem…. You still deserve the sweetest dream !

Goodnight!… 🙂 🙂 🙂


I see u in my….. dreams

Loneliness hurts …
And neena was all alone for the last 3 months.
She said, ” i wanna sleep for ever. i need potassium cyanide tablets for a sound sleep.” When she called up viv. She woke up from a dream and was gasping for air. It was rocky who was making love to her.
I have been dreaming about him for the past 3 months, spending restless and sleepless nights. He will always be there.  I was in a restaurant eating with my friend and him. Opposite  to me was this guy I met through my boy friend . So we talked and we started making out. He was staring into my eyes for minutes with his fingers crossed under his chin.
But ever since the meeting I can’t seem to stop having explicit sexual dreams about him/ with him… the other guy (her boyfriend) doesn’t even turn me on like my dreams do.
“I am not sure why this is happening and I am not sure how to stop it.”, she was helpless. Every time i fantasise , his face comes to me.

Each dream is very special and carries its own unique message. When interpreting this dream with people in it we are trying to relive the fantasy.
In our limited worlds , we explore and search for people and places that make us happier.

 Her soul loved to feel that he will come and give her a sweet kiss. Then her loneliness would end.  A day when her love will answer her call to say ,I love you. But she waited for him to call.

After feeling lonely for a couple of days, trying to restraint her feelings, she calls him, and wants to be with him. She said she wants to be see happiness. She once said that she was out of it.
She felt emotionally guilty for what had happened.
But she has a surrendered feeling for him, every now and then she will recollect moments they spent together, and get more into him. Its been her effort ever she found that he is strong enough to accept her. Her mind and soul are surrendered to him, she felt as if he had to do nothing to take her away. He swept her away, in her dreams, in her sleep, even when she was awake.

His thoughts had given her a smooch , deep hug to her feelings. She lived with it for months.  Love sustains yearning, that she learnt in despair. A meet that ends  her wait…..


First crush and lost love …

Last time when i saw him , he walked past me. My heart beat stopped for a moment or was  it  an attraction that froze my soul and the world around me.

He went putting his head down lost in his own world but with a tingly smile that wrapped me when i first met him, walking fast and smart as he did when i was in the college. He is the most beautiful man i ever seen in this world.  i  am sure he will miss me too, he has too. I know he loved me too.

I felt as if  i missed him for a lifetime. As if i had a relation with him for many lives before.

So, what made him attractive, then?  I lost the reason.  Have i lost a life , losing him.

“Of course, i loved and admired him. I will ever respect him, for there was something that charmed and hooked me. But i knew one thing that ,he could leave me for someone prettier . I was never looking good or smart.  But when you love someone, you also take the risk of losing him. ” , said neena.

Anybody  who remembers their first love reading this would probably agree with me that losing your first love is one of the most traumatic, painful emotional experiences of a person’s  early years. Is that what neena felt like when he left her, how do u think he should have responded.

When her  very first love was deep routed in her  heart , it never got  reciprocated . He  abandoned it, she truly felt crashed and destroyed. She was depressed. She thought of living without marriage and wait for him one day , may be thats what she wanted to for .

One day he invited her for his marriage.After all, every man and a woman tend to believe that that first person who they fall for is that one-of-a-kind special partner that will spend a lifetime with them. When these hopes are shattered by the common reality of losing first love, we feel betrayed, powerless, and above all – angry; we believe that there has to be something we could do to fix the situation, to bring that person back into our life and to resolve any differences that caused the break up.

“His hand in my hand was like sand in one’s hand” ,it was sliding down , continuously. I wanted it to stay, but i knew i will not be able to hold it for long. She was down. After years of that stint , she still made up a part of her moment , where he was immortalised.

After long years , she might pass on this information to her daughter. In one moment she will relive it all again. There was one thing that made it  so live was the amount of charm he spell on her. “I was helpless, at his sight i forget everything and just go innocent like a cute little girl waiting for his hug.”

A point that was obviated was the kind of attraction some people have on us is life long. They live in memories for ever,  losing them is not the end to it. Such relations sediment a strong layer of emotional matter which can feed the mind with enough love and support for entire life. This is a very important to realise that most people who are out of it , find it difficult to lose this perennial source of emotional energy.

Sometimes, feelings for a crush can be confusing because they’re new to you and you aren’t sure how to act. You could have mixed feelings.

When you see your crush, a part of you might feel embarrassed and you might want to run away and hide. Another part of you might imagine your crush noticing you and sharing the same feelings.

When you develop special feelings toward someone, it can change your world. You might want to talk on the phone or ask your crush to your birthday party or a school dance. As you get older and your feelings change, you might be ready for your first boyfriend or girlfriend and even your first kiss! But for now, you might just be friends with your crush, if your crush wants to be friends with you.

We expected it to be a nicer world, but mostly we all live with lost love. How far is this justifed ? Is true love unseen. Can we not have the right to be with someone whom we loved once.