My heart filled with love , i thought it might burst………….
Can i flow my tears ,
when i ever feel like,
I dont want them to know
for them i am the red rose
who hurt me without any cause
Red rose, oh red rose ,
Heart my red rose
when u look so fresh ,
dew dropped …….
Its a story based on the experiences narrated by Eenu. I may have never met her in this life if it were not destiny. So i call this relation destiny’s child. Destiny’s child, a term so close to my heart.
Why do lovers feel hurt ?
Why do they request each other to be safe and pray for each other?
Why do they have to console when they are sure that destiny will tear them apart ?
It doesn’t matter for how long the room has been dark;
For a day, or a week, or a year, or for ten thousand years.
The moment you bring in a candle;
darkness vanishes like it was never there.
Eenu cried and called maru to express her feelings. But she made it a missed call. Holding the phone in her lap and staring at it, she passed a numb 5 minutes. There was a turmoil in her mind. It was a text message from her mobile phone that flew to maru at late night.
The message read,
Time might lead me somewhere away from you… , and situations may wipe me from your memory …. but i will always be thankful that in life’s journey we met and became friends….
Maru is an angel who knew her for ages. Their meeting was a coincidence. As nursing students , they are required to attend speciality training during the end of their course. Such facilities are provided by few colleges and eenu’s college was one among those few. That year the speciality classes began on a wednesday. It is a festive atmosphere with students from different colleges coming together to do a study. The students in the Host college are always excited. An air of vibrance fills the campus when competitions and celebrations are held. Such occasions give students to meet new friends and get close to friends even more closer.
Valentines and couples form a major group of attendees, though they are there , they will be in a world of their own. Such blooms of love nurture relations. When people get together such relations sprout. But eenu was different. She loved her solitude more than her friends, though her friends will be her priority in relations. They always made her happy.
She would prefer loneliness not because she hated being with friends, she was a good friend to all her friends. All her mates would miss her if she was absent for a day. And she had reasons to be absent.
She would say this to her close friend, pretty during the study leaves when they get together at home.
During the cold season in kerala, which is from november to january, there will be a series of term exams. Study leaves and study groups are a welcome break for the students, who look forward to such an interval in the entire year.
Most students prefer to go to their homes. But it doesnt make much difference to the day scholars. For them vacations mean longer stay at home. Eenu was staying longer at home for the study leave every year all alone. But during the second last year, she made friends with a couple of class mates.
“Loneliness is so nice a feeling, that i love it now a days”
“Only if you chose it sweetheart…” replied pretty. She was laying on the bed with a piece of coarsely written paper which was their study time table for the night, after the personal discussions got over.
They talk to each other for hours and reveal their inner ups and downs.
“Yeah if I chose, i know that” said eenu.
“I know its horrible, when others make me lonely”,pretty turned around and kept the paper on the desk by the bed and closed the book that she was trying to find something.
“I know its horrible when you left lonely by the very person you love…”
Both were looking at the fan, that made a squeak sound on low speeds.
They looked at a revolving world around them, both looking at the whitewashed ceiling blankly as if there was something secretive in it, as if some secret lay in the engraved stars in the ceiling.
“pretty, you know that guy, whats his name …. hmmm …. was again there and disturbing me today !”
“What did he do today?”
“He passes comments everyday, makes nasty remarks too sometimes”
“just ignore him,i think he is a pervert.”
hmm…. yeah , we should talk about something better….
“temme hows your sweetheart maru, you were telling me about him in the morning.. huh “, pretty eagerly awaited the story to romantically go forward.
“Now you gotta tell me in short, after the exams we will have a long chat about him… ok …ok …tell me before we sleep …. “
And the girls were talking about marriages and family, maru was in and out of the talk every now and then….
Sometimes they talk untill early morning as late as 03 00 am, when the morning breeze is still chill and calm. A hot current of air in the room, makes it comfortable for a lazy sleep….
Stories never seems to have endings, when they make us feel a part of them.
She still remebers the first time when she entered the college and was greeted by a gang of seniors. She was terrified and nervous then. But after 3 years in the campus, she knew life has taught her valuable lessons.
Life is a big teacher she knows, it takes the test first then teaches you the lesson.
There were days when she will be fighting the pain, headaches and nerve wrenching feeling that will make her mad when a out burst of migraine comes. She has been suffering from migraine attacks for years now.
Fear is something that she likes to fight when it comes. But some fears made her weaker, and one of them was the separation of maru. It was anguish at her fate and curse on her inabilities that came out volubly. Fears of losing something that you possessed for ever, hated to share with others. And maru was her gem.
Seeing each other in an operation theatre. It was on a saturday that they met for the first time, but they never thought it could be an eternal affair.
Meeting her First Love
True relationship is like music, we could never see it but we can feel and enjoy the true melodies of care ….. you are my best music forever …. !
Taddy worked for a NGO call center in cochin, which supported the NACO. He used to night shifts as well. During the intervals he will take off time to chat with eenu.
Exactly a year ago she was making friends with taddy. He became closer to her, as she got closer to him. It was a hard time to imagine taddy was not with her.
She was walking towards the railway station. Today she felt very bad after talking to taddy….. it was a hot afternoon and walking with the talking phone along the streets never bothered her…
The sun was brighter and it shone heavily, but she didnt mind it.
It was taddy on the other side and they were talking about resolutions …. she loved him very much and was happy to take it to her heart.
It feels hurt to know somebody whom you loved with all heart never showed any genuine interest even to accept it verbally…..
Imagine your lover saying ,”I am not interested in you any more … ”
And imagine your silence as an answer with a bleeding heart ….
they act as invincible winners who have the right to break your heart whenever they felt like ….
When i imagined it, i was sad too.
On the valentine’s day, taddy makes a call to eenu. The phone never had to ring more than two rings, she took it as if she was waiting for it. “Hi”, said eenu.
“I am doing good…. Are you studying ?” , came back the reply. It was a harsh sound which made him sound even rougher over the phone. She liked his voice.
“Will you marry me?”, taddy surprised her.
A friend , what she has to say …
Eenu has called rani today for a shopping, they will be going around and will express their thoughts when oppurtunity stuck them …
After a long walk , they found a place to rest themselves , it was a park bench… Rani had a lot to say to eenu ….
Eenu told about what happened with taddy and how he was making her feel bad…..
Rani had a lot to say, she too had a break up with her lover. She was learning from her experiences and sharing a few of it with eenu was something that she would love to do.
Rani started telling her story once they were settled, “when i broke up with ross i was happy that he is not there..but i felt lonely i was confused … I started to ask myself, why i left him?
what do i want from a relation …. was he good … was i wrong to judge him?
I was alone ….
Then i thought, i am so lonely nobody wants me how will i face my friends…all these things haunted me…
then i met a friend…he was nice…exactly how i wanted Ross to behave…he liked me took me for shopping..said all nice thngs about me …. bought me gifts
..took me out and all.. i wanted ross to do all ths but he never did..so i thought a person who will do all that will be the one i want… initially he was my friend but slowly wen he kept saying why cant you be my girlfriend and lover and all that i fell for him and thought he is the best i can get…
after some time .. a few months with him .. even after he did all that which i wanted..i still could not love him..i was still searching for the one for whom i had no doubts in mind…
this guy is a very good and i am sure he will keep his wife very happy but that doesnt mean that i feel very happy being with him… it is then that i realised that it was not all these materialistic things that matter not looks not behaviour…..
it is something else eenu … you will realise clearly when you meet your soul mate… i did that is your destiny.. he will come to you .. destiny will bring him to you ….
after this guy i had learned a lot about life i was matured and i thank GOD, he came in my life because after him i understood that love is not all this small shopping and roaming thngs… and i was very clear in my mind…
that is then ..
i saw berger one day.. Ah it was all i needed .. i dint know him but i fell in love with him…instantly…he is all i ever wanted eenu..he doesnt take me shopping he doesnt praise me he is not all charming but i feel complete with him… i have no confusions now and all the great men in the world seem to be small in front of him..and finally i know first time in my life iam in love…i got my soulmate… I was in love .. eenu love came to me .. “
“Eenu …i luckily got my soulmate and now to get him i have to fight a lot with the world thats my fate…you might get him one fine day or you might realise it that its him only after marriage… EIther way you get it ..”
” yeah dear ..”
“isnt it amazing to know that … love comes to you..you dont have to find it.. go places …. “
It was 02 00 am in the morning. She got up in a jerk and looked around. It was dim moonlight spread around in the room, giving it an eerie greyish look. Her body was running a high temperature. She could feel the heat. She was looking for the phone. She removed her bed cover and searched it around. It was lying there on the make up bench silently motionless. She just a call from somebody saying that maru is no more. He met with an accident. A wierd feeling gripped her, dipping her in silence. She wanted to cry, but could not feel so. She was sitting so seriously that she became emotionally dead. As if she had a nightmare and something haunted her so badly that she broke her sleep.
She was afraid to hold the phone.
She was in a haunted palace for sometime, she and her classmates had gone there for a trip. They were
A childish face that seems to be refreshed with energy and a pair of eyes brimming with innonecence. It is the face of a young man called komal.
“Sahab, what do i make for you today?” , young komal would ask me everytime when i make a visit to his chat shop.
He was always chirping and spontaneous. And if i miss a sunday in betwen then he will be sad as well.
“Long time that you came to my shop, i expected you last sunday”
Loneliness hurts …
And neena was all alone for the last 3 months.
She said, ” i wanna sleep for ever. i need potassium cyanide tablets for a sound sleep.” When she called up viv. She woke up from a dream and was gasping for air. It was rocky who was making love to her.
I have been dreaming about him for the past 3 months, spending restless and sleepless nights. He will always be there. I was in a restaurant eating with my friend and him. Opposite to me was this guy I met through my boy friend . So we talked and we started making out. He was staring into my eyes for minutes with his fingers crossed under his chin.
But ever since the meeting I can’t seem to stop having explicit sexual dreams about him/ with him… the other guy (her boyfriend) doesn’t even turn me on like my dreams do.
“I am not sure why this is happening and I am not sure how to stop it.”, she was helpless. Every time i fantasise , his face comes to me.
Each dream is very special and carries its own unique message. When interpreting this dream with people in it we are trying to relive the fantasy.
In our limited worlds , we explore and search for people and places that make us happier.
Her soul loved to feel that he will come and give her a sweet kiss. Then her loneliness would end. A day when her love will answer her call to say ,I love you. But she waited for him to call.
After feeling lonely for a couple of days, trying to restraint her feelings, she calls him, and wants to be with him. She said she wants to be see happiness. She once said that she was out of it.
She felt emotionally guilty for what had happened.
But she has a surrendered feeling for him, every now and then she will recollect moments they spent together, and get more into him. Its been her effort ever she found that he is strong enough to accept her. Her mind and soul are surrendered to him, she felt as if he had to do nothing to take her away. He swept her away, in her dreams, in her sleep, even when she was awake.
His thoughts had given her a smooch , deep hug to her feelings. She lived with it for months. Love sustains yearning, that she learnt in despair. A meet that ends her wait…..