When my friend asked me ,”hey boss! Whats up ? You look so down ! “
I knew that what my inner mind had ,came out on my face and it manifested. I could never prevent the outflow of thoughts on to my face.
“You seem to have lost a lot of weight too”
“Hmm… he is blogging always ! Might be thats why? Dont we need a lot of enegry to blog…Hahahahahaha…” joined another friend of mine. We met after a dinner in a local restaurant near our stay. It provides cheaper food and we usually make it out there whenever we don’t cook.
“He keeps thinking for the blog … so might be he doesnt get the time to eat properly …”
“and think a lot these days.. i think”
“look at me ” he was trying to cheer me up ” show happiness on your face at least now”
“its been long since we met , and what happened in all these days…”
“and you were not gloomy at all , and now you look so dull”
I smiled as if i was learning how to smile,”Hey ! nothing happened”
I know one thing for sure now. In life there is no phase called free, if i feel that i got a hurdle right now then i might feel that s the most important and the final one. I decide to focus on it and dream the life thereafter with the non existence of that hurdle. I work on to finish it off, where the whole world might seem to end with the most sure treasure to be handed over.
But then life has to go on , as soon as i finish the hurdle.i find the next one … hurdle
sometimes my inabilities are so big that they swollen up and blown up bigger than external hurdles …. but the pace of life is a constant one. But life is merciless
it has no sense of regrets even after destroying my happiness. It still smiles at me , is that the sense of loss that makes me sad. or it the thought of the long life without them…
A TRUE STORY
Lemme tell you the story of my friend Viv and neena. Neena worked in a huge commercial city but away from her native.She had a great liking to come back and settle in her native . She wanted a peaceful life and she was much settled into her job. Around the start of the new year , neena meets a guy called Viv in the orkut, going through his profile. Viv worked in their native. After a long sentimental pause in her life ,she was about to meet a guy who would change her from what she was. She has been through the blues of a love ,one year back. They were together for a couple of years.She loved him but their she never found what the true she was looking for.
“This was the first time in my life when i felt a value for myself , for a period of time I felt important and good for someone. I never valued myself ,and it was there on my face. ” Viv told me after i met him in the coffee house for a tea.
They had a talk and it seems life’s put a lot of challenges to them before they can unite. It is unbearable to lose somebody after learning that you are helpless.
I had a very busy day in the office so a cup of tea in the evening refreshed me a lot. A story over a cup of tea is the best thing I can have.
“But today my tears have come back!” ,he was sipping on and gazed into my eyes as if looking for an answer.
“hmm ! Why viv” , i knew it. I knew when i was in the university, to have lost a person would mean the loss of this world. You cry like a helpless destitute ,a child whose mother has just gone missing.
“My tears were waiting for a comeback. For the past six months they could never wet me completely. They tried but couldn’t. But today, they wet my soul. I am alone again. suddenly, all of a sudden I am alone. ” ,he was true. He will be indeed alone.
“She said, she is crying and wet her pillow, it was all because of me.” he was talking about neena.
“But, she may, never understand my pain” .
“No viv, you are wrong..she can easily understand.If i could then she will for sure” , i whispered to me in my mind.
“because, as usual, I used to eat away my pain. I became silent after years, probably after three years, in these three years, I chirped lot. As if my soul is dead. I was dead three years back to. I struggled really hard for a comeback!!!”
he was never interested in the tea now.
I know him very well, he talks and chirps like a chatterbox. But when sad he goes into a cocoon, and never comes out.
“I need a patient ear to listen to my story. ”
“I am here , i got time today tomorrow is a leave”
I noticed something about his dress. It looked shabby and smelly too. But i never bothered to ask him.
“It was first day in my office here that I came with the same dress which I was sleeping in. I was numb, after the call. I was like a deaf who could only hear the banging s of dance, the dancing of the wounded soul. This is what happened to me, a few years back, I could never cope up with my frustrations, and was thrown back and back…” I think he understood from looks and started telling what happened in the office.
“As my friend rightly told me,You are not made for this world. How many times yaar,
I don’t know why i make people cry.”
“You never make anybody cry, i know you make everybody laugh” i knew him well.
“He is the guy who ate up every sorrow from rising and never show it up on the face.He would be appreciating people even when he lost the game. He would like to spend the last moment of his happiness even when he was pick pocketed just a few moments back.And they think he is the most happy man and never share, his sorrows he was alone “, i told to myself.
I was so engrossed in his story that i forgot about an appointment with Dr Arun. I was almost late ,but my cell phone started ringing. “How crap ” I got angry at the cell. But it was the appointment call. We are so packed up in our lives that emotions and feelings have no place in our lives.
“One sec ,Viv “
“Hmmm……” he stopped.
i felt bad to break his conversation.
“hey ,I got to go right now and be back in the room after 30 minutes. We meet up there and continue the talks”, i was almost out at the reception paying the bills.
“sure , i will be n yr room after 30 minutes”
“see ya , then take care”
And we were off for a short break.
Viv walked alone in the streets for a while and he recollected the chat lines with neena ,”I drink too much of water, more than 2.5 liters of water a day, that’s why I cry so much, my eyes are full of water every time.”
“hahahahaha….” her reply came in.
“we are so emotional…” she typed in.
They would chat for hours after they reach home. It was a meeting time and they dated everyday.
It was a busy and a dark street he was walking with loads of thinking working tiresomely in his mind’s workshop. Its the devil’s workshop…
“But life has got something else in store for us ….
we will be close friends for ever … closer than ever friends had been … ” he said to himself..
“The rains were heavy and pour tons of water , the rain gods cried finally , they were waiting for us to cry. “she shouted over the phone.
She called me in the morning. I could hear rain bashing down heavily in the background …
But Gods are merciless they never have emotions. They never feel sad and happy…….
After 30 minutes we met at my room to resume the talk…
we got the dinner ready ,from a nearby hotel.
Thought of having it while we talked.
“I promised her a come back.”
“Apart from the sorrow and the sadness i have , today i am happy for her .
Today i may be sad , but my gratitude for the bigger happiness she has given me.
My most valuable accomplishment after this relation is that I’ve reached a point in my life where i live very, very consciously. Each day will have a purpose . Each day of my life will be filled with meaning and purpose and gratitude. I enjoy a deep sense of inner peace and joy. Today i can promise myself ,I am unafraid to take action and to fail.”
“i dont know if i can come back in life, you know am still struggling ” ,he has the one round ball of tear ,shaping up in the corner of his eyes.
i knew he was right… We all struggle to put an end to the struggles. But they all never seem to end.
I have the deepest feeling of love for her …